What to Wear During a Montreal Earthquake

Whether it was caused by Pauline Marois, or the unsettling number of hipsters forming indie bands in this city, the ground literally did move last night in a 4.5 magnitude earthquake, inciting delirious men and women to evacuate their homes and demand to be taken seriously by emergency officials while wearing nothing but terry-cloth bath robes.

Now really, is this any way to dress when approaching your life's greatest battle for survival and/or your imminent death? I think not. And with approximately 151, 600 people dying on average every single day, you had better make sure that you step up your game because St. Peter's a busy dead dude and first impressions count.

SO the next time mother nature gets pissy, this is what you should be protecting and wearing:

PROTECT YOUR TORSO from flying debris, including concrete and Fairmount bagels with a puffer vest vis à vis Pyrenex and Penfield.

PROTECT YOUR BUILT-IN SHOCK ABSORBERS BOOBS when the lights go off and groping takes the place of seeing with easily discernible brights and graphics in Kenzo sweatshirt formation.

PROTECT YOUR GAMS with sweat shorts, or pants, or short-pants from Rick Owens and Adidas when electricity cops out and the cold sets in.

PROTECT YOUR FEET when jumping through fires and over potholes caused by City of Montreal neglect the earthquake. Cheap Monday flatforms will get ya to the other side.

PROTECT YOUR EARS from auditory defamation because when French people swear at high frequencies, glass shatters and eardrums burst. This ear-flap-equipped shearling hat from Kenzo will ensure you won't be needing a hearing aid once the last after-shocks subside.

Safety + Style = Salvation, and Lord knows your track record is at least 56 drunken Instagrams short of a free pass into Heaven, so I would burn those UGG boots RIGHT-ABOUT-NOW.