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Saturday, December 24, 2011

Strategic Christmas Shopping Uniform

 Today, the day before a fat guy in red tries to shimmy down my chimney, is, in my opinion, one of the worst days of the year. That is only if you happen to foray into that awful and dreaded place where acts of insanity become temporarily acceptable: the mall. But the North American capitalist economy beckons, not to mention that Santa isn't getting any less obese, so if you must, then I am here to help!

But how do you arm yourself against the offendingly bright L.E.D. lights and the disturbing troops of carolers dressed up as robotic pilgrims plastered with creepy smiles and singing songs that are so annoyingly well-harmonized you want to stuff a fruitcake down their esophaguses?

Dress somewhat along the lines of this:

Component 1: A massive, lama-inspired sweater that also doubles as a coat, a.k.a. perfect for outdoor to in-store transitioning and for hiding one's face from recognition.

 Component 2: Comfortable shoes whose interminably and impractically long removal time will dissuade you from doing just that, and thus from being able to try on any potential NYE shoes that you may stumble across and distracting yourself from the selfless goals that you had set out for the day.
 Component 3: A muted colour palette so that store clerks will think you are a) depressed or b) a celebrator of some unidentifiable holiday other than Christmas, filling them with uncertainty about which seasonal greeting to address you with, and eventually prompting them to decide not to address you at all for fear of potentially offending you and therefore making you very very cheerful.

And that's all folks! However, if hysteric holiday shoppers scare the bejeebies out of you, stay home like me, eat chocolate and clementines,wash it down with wine and whiskey until you make yourself sick, then repeat.

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