What to Wear During a Montreal Earthquake

Whether it was caused by Pauline Marois, or the unsettling number of hipsters forming indie bands in this city, the ground literally did move last night in a 4.5 magnitude earthquake, inciting delirious men and women to evacuate their homes and demand to be taken seriously by emergency officials while wearing nothing but terry-cloth bath robes.

Now really, is this any way to dress when approaching your life's greatest battle for survival and/or your imminent death? I think not. And with approximately 151, 600 people dying on average every single day, you had better make sure that you step up your game because St. Peter's a busy dead dude and first impressions count.

SO the next time mother nature gets pissy, this is what you should be protecting and wearing:

PROTECT YOUR TORSO from flying debris, including concrete and Fairmount bagels with a puffer vest vis à vis Pyrenex and Penfield.

PROTECT YOUR BUILT-IN SHOCK ABSORBERS BOOBS when the lights go off and groping takes the place of seeing with easily discernible brights and graphics in Kenzo sweatshirt formation.

PROTECT YOUR GAMS with sweat shorts, or pants, or short-pants from Rick Owens and Adidas when electricity cops out and the cold sets in.

PROTECT YOUR FEET when jumping through fires and over potholes caused by City of Montreal neglect the earthquake. Cheap Monday flatforms will get ya to the other side.

PROTECT YOUR EARS from auditory defamation because when French people swear at high frequencies, glass shatters and eardrums burst. This ear-flap-equipped shearling hat from Kenzo will ensure you won't be needing a hearing aid once the last after-shocks subside.

Safety + Style = Salvation, and Lord knows your track record is at least 56 drunken Instagrams short of a free pass into Heaven, so I would burn those UGG boots RIGHT-ABOUT-NOW. 

Trend to Try Before You Die: Exams Edition

Remember how I said that my outfit inspiration has, as of late, been borrowing heavily from menswear, implying a finished project in which my adult female body is transformed into that of a prepubescent teenage boy? NO? Enlightenment: right this way.

Well, as of even later, this testosterone-infused style preference has expanded itself to consist largely of XL tunics, harem pants, sneakers and loafers; a look that still traces its origins back to the average stylish male's closet, HOWEVER, it more-so finds its roots in my pyjama drawer. And appropriately so in this, the season for exams and their lounge-wear counterparts. Ah yes, it is time again to revisit that joyous period of the year when college campuses are suddenly flooded with an overwhelming population of markedly ugly people whose commitment to personal hygiene becomes questionable at best and whose assumed possession of an ass is rendered suspect following its disappearing act within the vast spaciousness of the notoriously popular sweatpant? 

And now comes that much anticipated and long awaited part of the post where I get to the point. For this instalment of Trend to Try Before You Die, I have theorized that Exam stress can be countered by strategic exam dress. How? Wear your pyjamas...kind of. I propose that you channel a combination of equal parts pyjama and sleeping bag silhouette. Simply put, as long as it appears as though you might be heading to a very stylish slumber party, both tops and bottoms appear 2 sizes too large, your shoes are of the slipper variety, and your outfit could reasonably be mistook for a sleeping bag, you get high fives and straight A's from me. 

So put away your text books and study this: 

Emma Cook floral tunic, £310

Evil Twin tunic, $70

Rick Owens harem pants, $312

Alexander McQueen suede slipper, $478

Snake skin shoes, $325

And look-ie here, even our Canadian comrades are taking the pyjama trend to a literal level.

Travis Taddeo

You may however wish to withhold on the foot clunkers and bangle sleeve. Never a good library look. 

Complex Geometries

So if you will be going into library hibernation this weekend, remember that life is short and that a couple weeks spent wishing it was even shorter does not grant you an automatic ugly card and your boyfriend's old sweatpants are not clothes, they are fireplace kindling. Try the trend and for the love of god, take that bun down from the top of your forehead.